Blog 005: Where I’m Afraid Of Dreams Not Coming True

10:00am, IST.

Good morning!

Yes, I am late and I am not happy. Didn’t have a proper sleep last night, too many thoughts running in my head and too many wishes. The thing about dreams and wishes is.. it’s nice and wonderful to dream about stuffs, to wish for all the things you want but after a while there comes a fear that, what if none of my dreams and wishes come true. That’s terrifying at some level, at least to me. It keeps me awake at night unable to calm the brain down, and that’s when I sleep at 4, sometimes 5. I still have that fear but more on that later. Have a big sketch to complete.

7:30pm, IST.

Damn, that was straight 7 hour work.

So, I finally finish the sketch and I think it worked out great. I showed it to my friend and she loved it. Happy. :)

artboard-1

I think this is one of the best work I’ve done after Lilly’s sketch. This drawing took way less time than hers. Lilly’s drawing took around 30 hrs and this took around 19! Wow, that is fast. I’m really happy with the result and also happy that she really liked it. I didn’t want to disappoint her and I succeeded. Yay. :)

I started the drawing today at 11:30 and I worked nonstop, except for an hour lunch break, finishing it at around 7:30. That’s like 7 hrs of continuous pencil work. I have done that before but it kinda gets a little frustrating when the whole day is spent doing just one single thing. Anyways, it’s better to finish it today than to carry over tomorrow. So, tomorrow I am actually free and also alone because my parents are going for a wedding, so I get a quiet and free time to write my articles and do other stuffs. I’ll be free for 3 days before I start another sketch so I need to plan the things I want to complete in this time.

12:00am, IST.

Midnight Talk: Coming back to my fear of dreams not coming true.

I have this fear mostly because of the reason being that I’m already 25. I know it’s a pretty lame and irrelevant reason but hear me out. I’m a kid born in a typical Indian family where exams and marks are more important than learning, job is more important than passion and earning money is life’s most important goal. This is what almost every parent’s thought process is, including mine. I was raised the same way, listening to my dad saying over and over again to study hard, get good grades, get a good job that earns well, then retire and enjoy the rest of the life. Nothing wrong with what he said, in fact he is right in most cases but he was wrong in one. I didn’t want to enjoy life after I retire, I wanted to do it when I was young.

So, because of that thought process I never got to do the things I wanted to do, like drawing, learning guitar, becoming an aeronautical engineer or just playing video games. He always talked about a safe life, where there is money and security but never talked about an adventurous life, life where you do something new everyday.

I ended up becoming a computer engineer without the official degree, from a pretty useless college. I hated that college, in fact I hated school too. It was a place where creativity died, where learning died. Studies and exams was all I did in the past 24 years.

Jump to today, I’m 25, almost, with no exceptional talent, no skills, all the exam marks and certificates are pretty useless, and also no money. Money. It is important. If I want to do something today, if I want to even think about doing something today, I need money, and that’s why all my thoughts and energy go into figuring out how to earn money. Yes, I can get a job but I love my freedom and want to earn doing something I love.

I watch YouTube videos a lot and I look at these people who are mostly my age, some are younger, being so famous and going to places and living their dreams. I always wanted that and I could have if I started something when I was younger but now I’m in a place where my survival is kinda based on earning money. If I don’t think of a way to earn a basic income then I wouldn’t be able to do the things I want to do. And the income is not only for me but for the family too, because my dad’s retired and mom’s a housewife.

So, I’m 25, who want’s to do something different in life but needs a basic income so that bills be paid and life runs smoothly. And I have no idea how the hell I am going to do that, and that’s why I’m afraid. Afraid that things won’t work out the way I want them to. Afraid that there will be a disaster and everything will just go south. Afraid, that nothing would go right and all my dreams will be unfulfilled. I don’t want that. I want my dreams to come true. At least some of them. I am working hard, really hard and doing things I love but also figuring out how to earn some income. I don’t want everything to fail. I want things to work out.

I really wish I had someone to tell me to live a different life. To do things that others are afraid to do. To make your life an adventure so that you get to tell your kids about it when you grow old. I wish I wasn’t afraid….

I know I’m just 25 and I still have my life to live the way I want to but being stuck in a place where money, house, bills are higher priority than doing what you love, doesn’t exactly make things easier. And I don’t want another 10 years to just go by doing things just to earn money. I want to make a difference. Anyways, let’s see how my life turns out to be a year from now.

Well, that was too long, longer than I expected. By the way, please don’t judge me, I did have a better life than many out there and that’s also one of my dreams, to give others the life that they deserve. I don’t know if that’s possible or not but I would like to try.

I hope I do live my dreams someday. I don’t doubt myself in any way but I do believe in destiny and I don’t know what’s mine.

Hope you live your dreams too. :)

Goodnight.

Advertisements

Leave a feedback

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s