Blog 009: Where I Have A Fear Of Failing

11:00am, IST.

You know what I realized today? My daily blogging number has 3 digits…

Am I seriously going to write for almost 3 digit numbered days???????? And also if I did, let’s say I hit a century.. that’s 100 days.. that’s more than 3 months!! Whoa! I certainly didn’t think this through.

Well, good morning to anyone who is reading this, probably no one.. but I don’t really care because this blogging and writing is just for me. I just want to record my life somewhere so that I would have something to look back too. And also it is a reflection of how I was the day before and a challenge to myself to get better everyday. So it’s basically for me, but to anyone who is reading this or will read this.. thank you and have a beautiful day. :)

3:00pm, IST.

So basically, I was to start a new drawing of another friend today but something hit me(not physically) and I didn’t do it.

So I actually did nothing but spent time talking to my mom about the fear I have and all the emotions I feel. More on that in midnight talk.

8:00pm, IST.

My house has 2 extra guests, in addition to the 3 people who live here.

So there’s a wedding tomorrow of a close relative and to attend this wedding relatives have arrived from another state altogether. Since it’s kind of a big wedding (not in literal sense) all these relatives have come from various places to attend. Fortunately, only 2 are staying in our house for the night.

I hate it when guests come home, not because the guests are bad or anything, it’s just that the house gets crowded and I am unable to work because of the way my room is.

My room is basically an extension to the living room. The only things that are separating my room from the living room are two curtains. So there’s no actual privacy and also all the disturbances comes through too. People talking, television noise and all that.. yes, it is loud and clear in my room. Imagine a long room with 2 curtains as a partition in the center. One side is the living room, the other.. my room. And if you’re thinking of pulling the curtains to cutoff everything, well that can’t exactly happen as there’s just one big window to the long room, and that’s on my side. So, if I pull the curtains.. no light.. no air.

Enjoying life.

12:00am, IST.

So everyone’s asleep and the new guests are sleeping in the living room and.. they are snoring. Story of my life.

Midnight Talk: Fear of Failing

I actually don’t have a fear of failing per se, but I do have a fear of not succeeding, as I hope, in the house we are currently living in.

Now, I have said previously too that we are going to sell this house and go in a bigger one where I’ll get my own room, but I want to go right now so that I can start doing something. The reason is, I have tried many things in this house and nothing has succeeded. From giving IIT-JEE(twice) to starting my own website, everything failed. Even my chess career went for a dip when we came to this house. Also my engineering, though I successfully passed, was far beyond than what I wanted it to be.

During that time too I have started many smaller projects from home but nothing took off. I have also tried to build my own portfolio of websites and designs, nothing great happened except for losing time. I tried freelancing, not good. Now I have started blogging.. don’t see anyone reading it, and this is something that I don’t want to fail in because I like writing my thoughts no matter how disorganized or weird they may be. (Also, no matter how bad my English is)

So, I have a, not exactly fear, but a strong gut feeling that if I start anything new in this house now, it won’t take off. Not that all these failures were devastatingly bad, I did learn a lot from them, but none of them even worked for a few moment. And it’s not that I gave up easily, I worked hard on each one extensively. It’s not easy to give up a year of fun and friends and everything just to study 16 hrs a day for IIT entrance exam.. and later fail. It’s not easy to take that in. It’s not easy knowing that you would HAVE to study the same thing all over again for a complete year, but I still did.

So whatever I do, I give the most I can but I want to do it someplace else. I don’t know whether I’m mad or weird, but I do have that strong feeling that things won’t succeed. And no it’s not something I believe in, it’s not in my head. I believe in myself and I believe if I work really hard, someday I’ll succeed but it’s a gut feeling that, that my success is some place else.

I really hope I am right.

Hope you work hard and have all the success in the world. Be happy and keep smiling.

That’s all for tonight. This is Nad, signing off… people are really snoring loud.

The night couldn’t get anymore interesting.

Goodnight. :)

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