Toothaches are bad, like really bad. I’ve had a few toothaches in the past, especially when I got my wisdom teeth, but that ache only happened when I tried to eat something. This ache that I had, was totally different. It was like I wanted to chew something hard, just like babies do when they get their first tooth. It was kinda bad, but it’s all good now. Hopefully stays that way.
Anyways, apart from bad teeth pain, the other thing that’s bad is the way this blog’s going. I have only published just 3 posts this month, that’s way too slow. I started this blog as a ‘daily blog’ where I would post about my day, everyday, but then it soon became difficult because of the things that happen around here. I’ve written about all that in my previous posts, a lot in fact, so I won’t explain it again, but still I had almost 10-15 posts per month. That’s how I got to 50 posts in almost 5 months. But since then I’ve written only 10 posts.. in 3 months. That is bad.
I don’t know what the reason is and I surely don’t want to give up, but I know the interest has gone down. There’s actually one explanation to it.
I started this blog as a personal journal. It’s a place where I talk to myself in words. Even this post is kinda explaining myself why I’m writing less than usual. I never expect anyone to read it, and if anyone did then hopefully they could also relate to some level. So, this personal yet open journal of mine was a way to get everything out of my system. All the thoughts I have about the people I know and don’t. Thoughts about life, love, the world. And as they say, the more you let it out the more empty you become, I think I’ve sort of become empty. In a good way though.
Back then, when I started writing, my posts were all angry and complaining and sad. Yes, they are now too but the frequency is much less. Back then it was almost everyday, now it’s once in 2 weeks. It’s like I have become more mature, more understanding of the situations, more accepting of the things that happen in life. I argue less, cry less. (except when the tooth aches :P)
This writing has in a way, unknowingly changed me. Even though I am still struggling to earn even a single penny, even though I still suffer from anxiety, even though I hate my situation sometimes and waiting for it to change, I have changed because I now understand all this and understand that sometimes things take time. Things take time to happen. People take time to change.
I know my situation will change, my life will not be the same as it is, but right now that’s not in my hands, and I understand that now. So rather than complaining about the things that are not in my control, I’ve learnt to focus my energy on the things that I can control, like my drawings and this blog. And this learning of focusing my energy on the things that matter has made me peaceful. And maybe that’s why I have nothing to say, nothing to write. Maybe because I’m at peace with myself now. Enlightenment?
It’s not that I have nothing to say, that’s like having zero train of thoughts. I do have thoughts but those are now general thoughts and not personal ones related to my life and my experiences as they were before. Maybe this could all change after we move to a new house and there I’d be doing a lot more that I could write about, but right now the thoughts I have are about the world, feminism, about my baby nephew, about how I hate the monsoon etc. All these topics are great for a blog but then they are more on the ‘opinions’ side rather than having a self-talk, which this blog was intended for.
Anyways, I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but having less disturbing thoughts and having a clear mind throughout the day is always great. So thumbs up for that.
I’ll hopefully (finger’s crossed) get to back to writing or directly turn to talking to a camera and start vlogging, but anyhow, I’ll keep this personal open journal alive.
Till then, enjoy this latest portrait sketch I did of my favorite singer, Adele.
This is Nad, signing off.
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